[CBFF] Lost in Translation

[Matt Langschwager]

Uh, Tom, were you going for cynicism with humor here, or just pure cynicism?  I realize the two often travel side by side, but this entry seems inconsistent and rough.
   
  Matt

Tom Shannon <tshanno at gmail.com> wrote:
  http://bloggeddrain.typepad.com/cbff/2006/09/lost_in_transla.html

The truth hurts. The only real question is, who is it going to hurt.

Pain or no pain, I've made it my never-ending quest to uncover the truth
wherever I find it. In an effort to continue this seemingly endless search
for reality amid the confusion, I've occasionally taken it upon myself to
translate all attempts to bury it with BS. The following is such an effort.
Read it if you dare. 

John Mullin of the Chicago Tribune:

Former Bear Glen Kozlowski, head football coach at Wauconda High School, has
been named high school "Coach of the Week" by the Bears after Wauconda
defeated Marengo 38-0 Friday. The Bears will donate $1,500 to Wauconda's
football program.

Translation: The Bears had to chuck up $1500 because they forgot that they
still had this program, which was part of the search to replace Dick Jauron.




Brian Urlacher:

"With free agency and injuries, it's hard to keep teams together forever and
this is probably our best chance to win it all. Teams also get split up
because of money reasons. This is definitely our best shot."

Translation: "Jamar Williams ain't Lance Briggs."







Bob Davie on why it was a bad idea for Notre Dame to go for it on
fourth-and-1 from the Georgia Tech 47 with 70 seconds left:

"You can talk all you want about aggressiveness. If Brady Quinn doesn't
make that yard there and Georgia Tech gets the ball at the [47, Weis] may
never live that down."

Translation: "I, of course, would have punted. That's what you do when
you're down by 38 and you're running the clock out."

Lance Briggs on Brian Urlacher:

"What makes him happy is playing football, not talking about it, and being
home with his family, hanging out with the people who are closest to him."

Translation: "He likes to go home to whatever bimbo is currently trying to
take his money."



Jerry Angelo:

''What we've seen on all of [the wide recievers], we have liked. It's just a
matter 
of them continuing to work. Just because they're unknown doesn't mean 
that we're unhappy with them.''

Translation: "We'll just close our eyes, click our heels and follow the
Yellow Brick Road, Toto, and The Wizard will make us a real live wide
reciever!"







Jim Tressel:

"Usually your playbook goes according to what kind of defense [your
opponent] plays. And I haven't watched any Texas game film."

Translation: "I was too terrified."


Finally, Tom Benson on how the Saints have sold about 65,000 season tickets
with only 3,300 left for their eight-game schedule in the Superdome:

''There are so many negative stories one year after Katrina, so I felt
compelled to come out and talk about a positive story. We have spoken so
often about the return of football in the Superdome and what that
symbolizes. You do not need to look any further than the resolve of fans and
businesses and the way they have rallied around our team.''

Translation: 

''I felt compelled to come out and talk about a positive story. People have
spoken so often about being the rectum of football in the Superdome and what
that symbolizes. You do not need to look any further than the money and the
way it bulges in my wallet.



"And, oh yeah, if you don't buy the remaining 3,300 tickets, I'm moving the
team.''



Ouch.
---------

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this,
and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
they don't even invite me.
-- Dave Barry



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