[CBFF] funny article

[emo]

Looks like we have a contender:

      Is your team a contender or pretender?
            Randy Hill

            FOXSports.com




As dedicated followers of football, we've staggered through the dogfighting
days of summer and into the halcyon daze of August.

This is a splendid month for fans of the NFL, who - thanks to the league's
public commitment to parity - can cruise through the next several weeks on a
love boat of optimism.
And who can blame them?

Just one year ago, the New Orleans Saints turned a little tandem generosity
from the Miami Dolphins and Houston Texans into the second-best season among
teams in pro football's second-best conference. After missing the playoffs,
San Diego's Chargers became good enough to qualify as the most disappointing
team in the AFC playoffs.

The Chicago Bears reached the Super Bowl with a quarterback whose rating
often fell lower than the wind-chill factor. The Indianapolis Colts didn't
play much defense until January and managed to win it all.

Anything can happen.

Unfortunately, it probably won't. When it doesn't, you'll become
disillusioned enough to actually saw into the fruit cake that always seems
to show up before Christmas, or not bother looking for rotten fruit when
carolers show up when a game is on.

You celebrate and suffer with your team, often wearing the replica jersey of
a key player even though it's been 30 years since you were 10 years old.

But I'm here to help. Instead of allowing you to be escorted into the 2007
regular season with blind hope, I've prepared two lists that will give
everyone a pretty good idea of how things are going to turn out. The first
list is provided for fans of teams that may reach Glendale, Ariz. in
February.

The second list is provided for fans of teams that may be involved in the
opening hour of the next NFL Draft.


Your team might be a contender if:

a.. The quarterback's growing popularity allows him to "do better" than
Carrie Underwood.

a.. Randy Moss is seen perspiring during training camp.

a.. Tickets to home games are harder to find in your city than anyone who
remembers Tony Mandarich.

a.. Its Syracuse-trained quarterback is able to do his Christmas shopping
without a limp.

a.. The name "Tiki" only conjures images of a lame backyard-party theme.




a.. It's Week 2 and nobody has scheduled a pep rally on behalf of Brian
Griese.

a.. Nobody hears the name of your quarterback and starts thinking of the
current Mr. Olympia.

a.. The superstar QB has an unlimited-minutes plan for calling an audible.

a.. Drew Brees no longer is considered the league's most underrated
quarterback.

a.. Brian Billick regains his smartest-man-in-the-world smirk.

a.. Local beverage peddlers are given no reason to name a drink in honor of
Seneca Wallace.

a.. Norv becomes the most popular Turner on his team.

a.. Fans no longer use an adjective before mentioning the coach's last name.

a.. Midway through the season, fans have not started to wonder what happened
to Curtis Martin.

a.. The local police department reviews its anti-riot tactics.

a.. File video of the "Super Bowl Shuffle" is broadcast six times before
Dec. 1.

Your team might not be a contender if:

a.. Guys in that city are forced to get dates by pretending to be the
punter.

a.. The rookie quarterback's agent thinks Al Davis is funnier than Frank
Caliendo.

a.. Roger Goodell already has the team on the clock.

a.. Fans start reminiscing about the good old days with Marty
Schottenheimer.

a.. The practice squad is smaller than the number of players who are
required to wear ankle bracelets.

a.. The rookie QB poses for the cover of a magazine called "Men's Hell."

a.. Technicians are summoned to adjust the pressure release on Daniel
Snyder's head.

a.. Vince Young runs for an average of 100 yards per game - moving sideways.

a.. Fans start to really wonder if the kid from Cal can be a starting
quarterback.
a.. The second-year QB has to rely on his college ballroom-dance training
before running for his life.

a.. By comparison, the sex-boat scandal doesn't seem that embarrassing
anymore.

a.. The general manager starts to contemplate which wide receiver to draft
with his next top-five pick.

a.. Real-estate agents in that city receive voicemails from Bill Cowher.

a.. The Madden Curse takes a victory lap before Halloween.

a.. The police department proudly announces its plan to implement the Player
Profiling System.

a.. The team owner is seen looking at Los Angeles-area real estate with
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

a.. The coaching staff wants to see if Trent Dilfer still has the ol' magic.

a.. The star wide receiver attempts to reach the Pro Bowl on a stationary
bike.

a.. By comparison, the Whizzinator episode just doesn't seem that
embarrassing anymore.

a.. The quarterback's most important teammates are needed to pick up the
blitz from PETA.